Since my break up I have had a lot more freedom to express myself and appreciate what I enjoy. I have rediscovered a passion for sport, particularly football and wrestling. I had not followed either for several years during my latter teens and into my early twenties. But having been left alone and free to follow my own devices I have gravitated back towards the two sports that I enjoyed in my childhood and early teens. This has partly come as a response to the frustration I felt at being single again. There was also a brief period of insecurity when my passion for heavy music (metal) waned as I struggled with who I was caught up in the hurt and rejection of the break up. However such a deep rooted passion, indeed part of me could not be suppressed for long and I have been enjoying my first love of music as enthusiastically as before. A love which defines a large part of who I am.
The point of this blog and the subsequent pontificating is that as a Christian I want to live a godly, Christlike life, pursuing God's will and living in His grace whilst being comfortable and at peace with who I am, or rather more specifically my interests. I don't really know why I am inclined to enjoy heavy music and wrestling. They may seem odd choices of past times for a Christian but I believe as long as they do not take over my life and become idolatrous they are not incompatible with the Christian walk of faith. God put on my heart a few years ago a real conviction to give up secular music. Since then I have only listened to Christian metal bands. Some Christians may find the concept of Christian metal oxymoronic and at conflict with Christianity but I do not believe so. In fact these bands have been true blessings to me as a listener of metal in all its forms. I thank God that there is a bountiful alternative of Christian metal bands out there. They truly are a light in a culture of darkness.
However the realm of sport is a completely secular affair. I have really enjoyed following my childhood football team Arsenal again. Going along to the Emirates in North London and watching them live has been a fantastic experience this year, one which I have savoured and truly appreciated, especially with the money I am earning to afford it. Yet the more controversial issue is with my appreciation of wrestling. I have recently discovered and formed a strong appreciation for Ring of Honor, an American wrestling company. This company excells at technical, high risk, intense wrestling and although it would be considered a contact sport (despite its choreography) my appreciation stems not from a love of violence or pain but for the fortitude and discipline of these athletes. The training, practice and stamina that is required to wrestle professionally is incredible. The fact that they are risking their bodies hightens the sense of respect I have for these men and their dedication to the sport. It is also an aspect, much like my passion for metal, of my masculinity.
Masculinity is not always a term conceived of when Christianity is mentioned. The two are not always synonymous with one another. Many both inside and outside of the Church see Christianity as having a predominantly feminine influence. The ratio of men to women in many Churches across the country is disproportionately female. Yet despite this alarming trend of imbalance Christianity is not incompatible with being masculine. Our saviour was a man who was prepared to suffer and die for humanity. The courage, conviction and bravery required to do that is truly amazing and worthy of respect. His closest disciples too, the founders of the early Church, were also prepared to suffer martyrdom for their faith. Sometimes there is a theological imbalance in the Church's teaching on the love of God and not enough about His righteousness and Justice (David Pawson is an excellent theologian on such matters). Moreover the Bible speaks about the Christian life being one of spiritual warfare against evil. I am not ashamed to have masculine interests as a man. God created men and women differently and I have embraced my masculinity as a man but more importantly as a Christian.
The Bible has many teachings on how men should live and act, especially in regards to marriage and the Church I will endeavour in future to follow those teachings with the aid of God's Holy Spirit. But as long as I don't make an idol out of my interests and remember to put God first in every aspect of my life I am comfortable with how I chose to spend my free time. I believe this is very important. I want to be a man of God and I also want to be the person God created me to be. I hope that the Church does become more tolerant of non-traditional Christian past times. Conversely I always need to check my heart and spirit to ensure that God and His will is the first love in my life, always put God's Word and worship of Him over and above my other interests and be careful not to sin against Him. Through prayer and obedience to my Heavenly Father I believe I will accomplish this balance.
Sunday, 25 April 2010
Wednesday, 7 April 2010
Censorship versus Freedom of Speech
With an election imminent here in the UK, I could have posted a blog about the importance of voting and using our democratic rights, however, I have chosen this morning to write about something far more insidious to our society - the abuse of the right to freedom of speech in this country.
I was appalled to learn that at the two most prestigious and historic universities in England: Oxford and Cambridge, that Islamic extremists have been allowed either to spout their anti-Semitic and hateful racism towards the state of Israel or disrupt and heckle Israeli speakers.
I was appalled to learn that at the two most prestigious and historic universities in England: Oxford and Cambridge, that Islamic extremists have been allowed either to spout their anti-Semitic and hateful racism towards the state of Israel or disrupt and heckle Israeli speakers.
"Last month at Cambridge University, one of the two most prestigious
universities in England, Hamas activist, Azim Tamimi, an outspoken supporter of
terrorist activity, gave a highly inflammable lecture blasting Israel and her
existence in the Middle East, while students quietly took notes.
Last month
at Oxford University, second of the two most prestigious universities in
England, Israel’s Deputy Foreign Minister Danny Ayalon began his lecture on
Israel’s narrative of the Middle East but was constantly interrupted and shouted
down with anti-Semitic remarks throughout his speech.
During the event hosted
by Oxford’s student body, Muslim hecklers continually disrupted Ayalon and one
protester screamed “Itbah al-Yahud” – “Kill the Jews” as college guards gently
moved him towards the exit after giving him time to say everything he had to say
- to much applause. The auditorium was stacked with pro-Palestinian protesters
who were determined that Ayalon not be heard."(taken from maozisrael.org)
When does freedom of speech cross the line? When does it infringe upon our democratic right? When does censorship become necessary? Censorship is the act of deleting information that would be construed as offensive or threatening to the security of the sovereignty of a nation. The fact that known Palastinian terrorist sympathisers could be given a platform at one of the most influential and highly acclaimed universities in England to voice his outwardly anti-semitic and racist views is disheartening and outrageous. There are no democractic Islamic states in the world. All Islamic countries are totalitarian, yet fundamentalist and extremist muslims are allowed to abuse the right to freedom of speech in Western democractic nations such as America and the UK! This is a flagrant infringement upon our civil liberties and an abuse and exploitation of a democratic system.
Instead of protecting freedom of speech, the Oxbridge universities have passively condoned anti-semitic and pro-Palastinian/extremist Islamic views. This is unacceptable. We must defend freedom of speech within its proper civil and democratic framework, not allow this blatant abuse and exploitation. Representatives from Israel or Israelis should be allowed to have their voice heard in this country without the abuse and racism from the extremist Islamic community. I encourage everyone to not be deceived by the anti-Semitic and anti-Israel propaganda that whether through seruptitious means or means more open and brash have taken a stranglehold within some of the most prominent academic arenas of debate.
Wednesday, 24 March 2010
inter-faith dialogues
I had a very interesting conversation at work earlier today with a colleague who is currently exploring Buddhism. She told me how she had begun to meditate and put into practice some of the Buddhist principles she has been recently learning about through Buddhist classes she has been attending. I found it very intriguing as I listened to her explain the process of meditation - the emptying of the mind, concentrating on her breathing and then focussing on the self and then others. How she described this particular emphasis in her meditative training struck me as being very similar, in principle, to Jesus' teaching about "love thy neighbour as thy self". I mentioned this to her, which begun a conversation comparing the two religions.
She told me that whilst she had more respect for Jesus since exploring her spiritual side through Buddhism she felt that he didn't provide the basis for actually putting his own teachings into practice. Not deterred I continued with the conversation, exploring the similarities and parallels between the two religions. She said one of the things she didn't like about Christianity was the emphasis on sin, whereas Buddhism emphasises the ability of the self to become a better person. I completely respected both her opinion and the Buddhist principle. Conversely despite our differences we were able to conduct a discourse focussing on the similarities, which I found both invigorating and encouraging. As a person of faith amidst a predominantly agnostic or atheistic department I found it refreshing to be able to discuss matters of spirituality with someone else.
One of the most interesting points of convergence in principle between the two religions was the different forms and connotations of meditation. I explained how meditation is not a completely exclusive Buddhist practice/principle and how the Bible encourages Christians to meditate on God's Word. I explained how I tried to live my life in accordance with the teachings of Scripture and meditate upon it as a guide when making particular decisions on a day to day basis; in how to act and speak. She complimented me on finding this essence of Christian spirituality and commented that she had not seen that in many other Christians. The Bible says that Christians should conduct themselves in a manner worthy of God: not in filthy joking, gossip or criticism. I emphasised how I tried to live in alignment with this focus of Christianity as best I could.
The dialogue then progressed to the issue of 'inner light'. My colleague explained how she tried to visualise the soul as light while meditating and that this had helped her. She explained how she felt all human beings had this intrinsic light within them. To this point I mentioned the fact that the Bible teaches human beings are made in God's image and so therefore our nature will intrinsically reflect a part of God's essence. I elaborated by explicating that, as a Christian, I believe that inherent goodness has been marred by sin, but nevertheless the potential is there for humans to do good.
All in all I thought it was a very positive discussion and hope and pray God will provide me with many more occassions with which to share His truth and Gospel with this colleague. I remember reading that Christianity does not teach all other religions are inherently wrong, only when they diverge from the truth revealed in Scripture. There are many principles and practices of other religions which are to be commended as Christians and this 'common ground' so to speak is an excellent point with which to share our faith to others. I think there are important lessons to be learnt in listening to people of other faiths and respecting their personal beliefs whilst taking the opportunity to give our own testimony of the power and the saving grace of the Gospel. I will be sure to post reflections upon further conversations in the future.
She told me that whilst she had more respect for Jesus since exploring her spiritual side through Buddhism she felt that he didn't provide the basis for actually putting his own teachings into practice. Not deterred I continued with the conversation, exploring the similarities and parallels between the two religions. She said one of the things she didn't like about Christianity was the emphasis on sin, whereas Buddhism emphasises the ability of the self to become a better person. I completely respected both her opinion and the Buddhist principle. Conversely despite our differences we were able to conduct a discourse focussing on the similarities, which I found both invigorating and encouraging. As a person of faith amidst a predominantly agnostic or atheistic department I found it refreshing to be able to discuss matters of spirituality with someone else.
One of the most interesting points of convergence in principle between the two religions was the different forms and connotations of meditation. I explained how meditation is not a completely exclusive Buddhist practice/principle and how the Bible encourages Christians to meditate on God's Word. I explained how I tried to live my life in accordance with the teachings of Scripture and meditate upon it as a guide when making particular decisions on a day to day basis; in how to act and speak. She complimented me on finding this essence of Christian spirituality and commented that she had not seen that in many other Christians. The Bible says that Christians should conduct themselves in a manner worthy of God: not in filthy joking, gossip or criticism. I emphasised how I tried to live in alignment with this focus of Christianity as best I could.
The dialogue then progressed to the issue of 'inner light'. My colleague explained how she tried to visualise the soul as light while meditating and that this had helped her. She explained how she felt all human beings had this intrinsic light within them. To this point I mentioned the fact that the Bible teaches human beings are made in God's image and so therefore our nature will intrinsically reflect a part of God's essence. I elaborated by explicating that, as a Christian, I believe that inherent goodness has been marred by sin, but nevertheless the potential is there for humans to do good.
All in all I thought it was a very positive discussion and hope and pray God will provide me with many more occassions with which to share His truth and Gospel with this colleague. I remember reading that Christianity does not teach all other religions are inherently wrong, only when they diverge from the truth revealed in Scripture. There are many principles and practices of other religions which are to be commended as Christians and this 'common ground' so to speak is an excellent point with which to share our faith to others. I think there are important lessons to be learnt in listening to people of other faiths and respecting their personal beliefs whilst taking the opportunity to give our own testimony of the power and the saving grace of the Gospel. I will be sure to post reflections upon further conversations in the future.
Sunday, 14 March 2010
the human drive for perfection
Last week I asked my year 8 PSHE class to list the 10 qualities they think a good role model should have. Their answers really inspired me. Here is the list they came up with collectively as a class:
1. Selfless
2. Independent
3. Commited
4. Sense of Humour
5. Determined
6. Talented
7. Content (as in at peace with themselves)
8. Creative
9. Kind
10. Fearless (as in standing up for their convictions and not being ashamed of what they believe in)
As I reflected upon these virtues while they were discussing them it struck me that these qualities closely reflect the character and nature of Jesus. The lesson had been about Role Models and the original activity had been about choosing their top 10 role models for modern Britain. This activity had not been entirely successful and so I adapted it to get the students engaged with the qualities of a good person, a person worthy of our respect and admiration. Many started to list relatives or friends that had come through adversity and shown tremendous inner strength.
Most, if not all, of those students are non-religious and know very little about Jesus or Christianity but it amazed me how they were able to recognise these qualities as virtues deserving of emulation and great respect. The students respected fidelity (hence commitment) as well as strength of convictions. Yet many of these qualities go against a lot of the modern youth culture of adultery, fornication and selfishness that is exhibited in soaps, films and music. If you were to ask the majority of students today whether they thought Jesus was still relevant then more than likely 9/10 they would respond negatively. However, unknowingly, the qualities of a good role model they listed can be found in the person of Jesus.
Jesus was selfless. Jesus even washed his disciples feet, an act of great humility usually seen as beneath the higher classes and given to the servants to perform (John 13:5). Jesus was fully committed to serving His heavenly Father's will. Jesus never acted on his own accord but did the will of God wherever he went. In Gethsemane, the night he was betrayed and arrested, he prayed "Not my will but your's be done" (Matt 26:39). Jesus did wonderfully and fantastic creative miracles such as turning water into wine, healing the blind and the crippled as well as walking on water and calming a storm. Jesus showed compassion and kindness to all people, even the outcasted and rejected from society such as tax-collectors and lepers. He treated women equally and chose apostles from all walks of life. Jesus fed the five thousand and the four thousand on separate occassions as an act of kindness so that the people would not go hungry who had travelled great distances to see him. Finally Jesus was utterly fearless; he confronted the religious hypocrisy and duplicity in the religious leaders of his day as well as rebuking the Devil in the wilderness when he tried to tempt him to sin. Jesus always stood for justice and right.
Jesus was the perfect human being: the greatest role model humanity could ever have. His example, miracles and teachings have guided, inspired and transformed peoples' lives for centuries. There is much prejudice towards Christianity in society today, Christians whether physically or ideologically are being persecuted the world over and Jesus' name and character are denegrated and mocked by many in the media as well as constantly blasphemed every day. This is such a tragedy when one studies the life of Jesus. Still today as it was the night of his arrest he is mocked, ridiculed and false witnesses have arisen bearing false testimony about him. Yet despite all the falsehood and falacies circulating our world regarding him; the truth about Jesus lives on and no-one can take away what his sacrifice accomplished on the cross.
As Easter approaches let us think and reflect upon the person of Jesus: role model, teacher and saviour.
1. Selfless
2. Independent
3. Commited
4. Sense of Humour
5. Determined
6. Talented
7. Content (as in at peace with themselves)
8. Creative
9. Kind
10. Fearless (as in standing up for their convictions and not being ashamed of what they believe in)
As I reflected upon these virtues while they were discussing them it struck me that these qualities closely reflect the character and nature of Jesus. The lesson had been about Role Models and the original activity had been about choosing their top 10 role models for modern Britain. This activity had not been entirely successful and so I adapted it to get the students engaged with the qualities of a good person, a person worthy of our respect and admiration. Many started to list relatives or friends that had come through adversity and shown tremendous inner strength.
Most, if not all, of those students are non-religious and know very little about Jesus or Christianity but it amazed me how they were able to recognise these qualities as virtues deserving of emulation and great respect. The students respected fidelity (hence commitment) as well as strength of convictions. Yet many of these qualities go against a lot of the modern youth culture of adultery, fornication and selfishness that is exhibited in soaps, films and music. If you were to ask the majority of students today whether they thought Jesus was still relevant then more than likely 9/10 they would respond negatively. However, unknowingly, the qualities of a good role model they listed can be found in the person of Jesus.
Jesus was selfless. Jesus even washed his disciples feet, an act of great humility usually seen as beneath the higher classes and given to the servants to perform (John 13:5). Jesus was fully committed to serving His heavenly Father's will. Jesus never acted on his own accord but did the will of God wherever he went. In Gethsemane, the night he was betrayed and arrested, he prayed "Not my will but your's be done" (Matt 26:39). Jesus did wonderfully and fantastic creative miracles such as turning water into wine, healing the blind and the crippled as well as walking on water and calming a storm. Jesus showed compassion and kindness to all people, even the outcasted and rejected from society such as tax-collectors and lepers. He treated women equally and chose apostles from all walks of life. Jesus fed the five thousand and the four thousand on separate occassions as an act of kindness so that the people would not go hungry who had travelled great distances to see him. Finally Jesus was utterly fearless; he confronted the religious hypocrisy and duplicity in the religious leaders of his day as well as rebuking the Devil in the wilderness when he tried to tempt him to sin. Jesus always stood for justice and right.
Jesus was the perfect human being: the greatest role model humanity could ever have. His example, miracles and teachings have guided, inspired and transformed peoples' lives for centuries. There is much prejudice towards Christianity in society today, Christians whether physically or ideologically are being persecuted the world over and Jesus' name and character are denegrated and mocked by many in the media as well as constantly blasphemed every day. This is such a tragedy when one studies the life of Jesus. Still today as it was the night of his arrest he is mocked, ridiculed and false witnesses have arisen bearing false testimony about him. Yet despite all the falsehood and falacies circulating our world regarding him; the truth about Jesus lives on and no-one can take away what his sacrifice accomplished on the cross.
As Easter approaches let us think and reflect upon the person of Jesus: role model, teacher and saviour.
Sunday, 7 March 2010
The pain of betrayal
I woke up this morning and immediately began reflecting (don't ask me why!?) on the pain I had been caused by my break up with my ex, obviously there is still some residual unhealed scar tissue there. I asked myself the question if I could turn back time and live the last four years again would I have done it differently, would I have avoided the pain of the heartbreak and never gone out with my ex. My initial answer was yes! Then I put my realist hat on and told myself to get over it as I couldn't change the past. I encouraged myself by convincing myself to look to the future and embrace the present. Then (I believe led by the Holy Spirit) I wondered what lesson God may have had for me in allowing the break up to happen. The Bible says "God acts for the good of all those who love Him" Romans 8:28. So I stood upon the Word of God and said in faith what was your purpose O Lord? Then I suddenly thought back to the night of Jesus' arrest. Jesus was betrayed and rejected by all 12 of his disciples on that fateful night!
I started to imagine the pain Jesus must have felt as one by one the people whom he was closest to in his life: the men he had taught and guided for three years, whom were his best friends, his adopted family even, betrayed him. Some betrayed him out of hate and scorn, some out of fear but all deserted him in his hour of need. I picked up my Bible and re-read Matthew 26. As Jesus ate and broke bread with his disciples at the last supper he knew he would soon be betrayed; he knew the falsehood and duplicity of Judas and he knew despite all of Peter's good intentions the weakness of his courage. As I read through the verses again I could feel Jesus' pain. After the supper he went into the Garden of Gethsemane to pray where he asked some of his disiciples to join him because he was filled with sadness and anguish (Matt 26:38). Jesus admitted to his followers how he was feeling and yet they could not even stay by his side to comfort and console him. So he prayed alone, with his disiciples asleep. Later Jesus was then arrested by an angry mob led by Judas. The sign of Judas' betrayal the perversion of something that should have been a pure act of love and fellowship: a kiss. How it must have broke Jesus' heart to see one whom he had trusted, confided in and whom had witnessed his many miracles betray him so callously.
As I meditated upon these passages of Scripture my own pain helped me to empathise with Jesus in a new way, I had a much more profound insight into the anguish of my Saviour on the darkest night of his life. Jesus' words began to cut my heart as he must have reasoned in disappointment and disillusionment: "Am I leading a rebellion that you have come out with clubs and swords to capture me? Everyday I sat in the temple courts teaching and you did not arrest me." (Matt 26:55) Jesus was arrested like a criminal by one knowing full well his innocence. I then began to realise that had I never experienced pain and heartbreak I would not fully know, or never be able to truly appreciate what happiness and comfort is. As a follower of Christ I believe in a suffering Saviour. My own pain and emotional turmoil can help me to understand how Jesus felt; to relate and empathise and in a new way know Him more intimately than before.
As Easter approaches and we turn our minds and hearts to Jesus' ultimate sacrifice, by giving up his life on the cross let us remember Jesus the man, whom was left alone in his hour of grief and need. How lonely Jesus must have felt, without anyone beside him. Jesus suffered both physically at the hands of the Romans in his torture and execution, but also emotionally at the hands of his fellow Jews for our sake: for our salvation. The Son of God, blameless, righteous, holy and without sin. Jesus using his free will, in love, went to the cross. I thank God that this Easter I will be able to relate to the passion with more empathy and greater appreciation for what Jesus has done to redeem me.
I started to imagine the pain Jesus must have felt as one by one the people whom he was closest to in his life: the men he had taught and guided for three years, whom were his best friends, his adopted family even, betrayed him. Some betrayed him out of hate and scorn, some out of fear but all deserted him in his hour of need. I picked up my Bible and re-read Matthew 26. As Jesus ate and broke bread with his disciples at the last supper he knew he would soon be betrayed; he knew the falsehood and duplicity of Judas and he knew despite all of Peter's good intentions the weakness of his courage. As I read through the verses again I could feel Jesus' pain. After the supper he went into the Garden of Gethsemane to pray where he asked some of his disiciples to join him because he was filled with sadness and anguish (Matt 26:38). Jesus admitted to his followers how he was feeling and yet they could not even stay by his side to comfort and console him. So he prayed alone, with his disiciples asleep. Later Jesus was then arrested by an angry mob led by Judas. The sign of Judas' betrayal the perversion of something that should have been a pure act of love and fellowship: a kiss. How it must have broke Jesus' heart to see one whom he had trusted, confided in and whom had witnessed his many miracles betray him so callously.
As I meditated upon these passages of Scripture my own pain helped me to empathise with Jesus in a new way, I had a much more profound insight into the anguish of my Saviour on the darkest night of his life. Jesus' words began to cut my heart as he must have reasoned in disappointment and disillusionment: "Am I leading a rebellion that you have come out with clubs and swords to capture me? Everyday I sat in the temple courts teaching and you did not arrest me." (Matt 26:55) Jesus was arrested like a criminal by one knowing full well his innocence. I then began to realise that had I never experienced pain and heartbreak I would not fully know, or never be able to truly appreciate what happiness and comfort is. As a follower of Christ I believe in a suffering Saviour. My own pain and emotional turmoil can help me to understand how Jesus felt; to relate and empathise and in a new way know Him more intimately than before.
As Easter approaches and we turn our minds and hearts to Jesus' ultimate sacrifice, by giving up his life on the cross let us remember Jesus the man, whom was left alone in his hour of grief and need. How lonely Jesus must have felt, without anyone beside him. Jesus suffered both physically at the hands of the Romans in his torture and execution, but also emotionally at the hands of his fellow Jews for our sake: for our salvation. The Son of God, blameless, righteous, holy and without sin. Jesus using his free will, in love, went to the cross. I thank God that this Easter I will be able to relate to the passion with more empathy and greater appreciation for what Jesus has done to redeem me.
Sunday, 21 February 2010
killing time 'till its time to die
The name of my blog comes from the title of a Zao song off of their 'The Fear is What Keeps Us Here' album. Zao are a band with a penchant for writing very poignant songs, which usually have much insight and truth behind their social and spiritual observations. It's a concept that I've been musing on over the last week during the half term break. It has been a much welcomed and needed break, and one I begrudge coming to an end. It seems that I am continuing to juggle many different 'plates' in my life. Later this afternoon I will be forced to prepare for going back to work tomorrow for another six weeks of pressure, stress and potentially disappointment. And so in my continual effort to create a life outside of work, to block out the weariness of commuting into work morning after morning and working late into the evening every night and to escape from a life I in so many respects resent living. That is not to say I am ungrateful, both to the school that has employed me and to God for opening the door. But, and how fitting it should be in a school, whatever lessons God wishes to teach me about life and faith from my experience in the secular world I am slow to learn. The other week, before the half term break, I believed I had received the answer to one of the lessons God was teaching me: to persist in faith. To just carry on believing even when life gets tough. That was indeed an invaluable lesson, one which I am endeavouring to remember and live by every day.
How many more lessons I have left during my time teaching, and indeed how long I will be teaching remain a mystery to me as only God knows the end from the beginning. Conversely I have made a decision just recently in my life that may start to open new doors. Regarding my church dilemma I have decided for the sake of stability to go every Sunday evening to the baptist church in Frinton I have previously visited. I feel very good about this decision insofar as the stability will be good for my spiritual life as well as feeling, judging from the teaching and worship at the church, that it will be a place I can be nurtured and grow as a Christian. It has been a long while since I was a member of a house (or cell) group and I believe my next step should be to try and be pro-active in joining one in my new church. I understand this will require sacrificing time for, but I believe it is important to help know what God may have instore for me in the future.
Speaking of sacrificing time I have also been contemplating joining a gym. Over the last few weeks I have been trying to eat as healthily as possible to lose weight, as well as doing daily exercises to help keep me trim. I have come to the point where, again to try and take back some autonomy in my life from work, I want to change my current lifestyle. I am not 'dieting', my intentions stretch further than merely shedding a few pounds. I want to change my physique and that requires me to change my current lifestyle. I believe it will ultimately mean (if I continue to be serious and committed to this cause) to join a gym to take full advantage of their facilities, in order to reach my goal. I have yet to make this decision but am close to reaching it. Again this will require me to sacrifice more time and I must always put God first in such matters. This principle is paramount and with my busy work schedule I don't want to bite off more than I can chew, so to speak. I need to weigh up the best use of my time (no pun intended).
Moreover I am continuing to write my novel, just another feather to my cap, and am very pleased with what I have written so far. I go to the conference on getting published next month and am very much looking forward to learning more about the industry. I am serious about doing my best to get my work published one way or another. My story is coming along nicely and so far my imagination has not failed me. This fact alone has given me confidence that this could potentially turn out to be more than a pipe dream. I have very much enjoyed the experience of writing and it has helped me to forge an identity outside of work and something I can take personal satisfaction and pride in. I originally set my self a time frame at Christmas of finishing it before the summer holidays. I believe I could fulfill that target at the rate I am writing. I've managed to write two more chapters this week alone. I hope my inspiration and ability to articulate and express myself will continue coming as smoothly as I have had the fortune of since I began writing just before Christmas.
As you can tell my life is incredibly busy, which I am pleased about as keeping one's self occupied is a good thing. I have been striving to get my life into balance for several months, I want to lead an active and fulfilled life; a healthy life physically, emotionally and spiritually. Theoretically these should follow one after the other as long as I continue to put God first in my life. Nevertheless I want to make the most of my time and body. My life has changed so radically over these last couple of years, and even more acutely these past nine months since my break up; who knows what my life will be like in six months time? I could be a fully fledged body building author! But ultimately however I spend my free time, however I choose to spend my money and time, we are all just killing time until its time to die! Therefore what remains the most important thing in life is walking with our creator God, pursuing His will, for it is infinitely better than our own and growing in a godly and Christlike love and holiness. My personal life ambitions and lifestyle choices may change again in six months time depending on where I stand with God...
How many more lessons I have left during my time teaching, and indeed how long I will be teaching remain a mystery to me as only God knows the end from the beginning. Conversely I have made a decision just recently in my life that may start to open new doors. Regarding my church dilemma I have decided for the sake of stability to go every Sunday evening to the baptist church in Frinton I have previously visited. I feel very good about this decision insofar as the stability will be good for my spiritual life as well as feeling, judging from the teaching and worship at the church, that it will be a place I can be nurtured and grow as a Christian. It has been a long while since I was a member of a house (or cell) group and I believe my next step should be to try and be pro-active in joining one in my new church. I understand this will require sacrificing time for, but I believe it is important to help know what God may have instore for me in the future.
Speaking of sacrificing time I have also been contemplating joining a gym. Over the last few weeks I have been trying to eat as healthily as possible to lose weight, as well as doing daily exercises to help keep me trim. I have come to the point where, again to try and take back some autonomy in my life from work, I want to change my current lifestyle. I am not 'dieting', my intentions stretch further than merely shedding a few pounds. I want to change my physique and that requires me to change my current lifestyle. I believe it will ultimately mean (if I continue to be serious and committed to this cause) to join a gym to take full advantage of their facilities, in order to reach my goal. I have yet to make this decision but am close to reaching it. Again this will require me to sacrifice more time and I must always put God first in such matters. This principle is paramount and with my busy work schedule I don't want to bite off more than I can chew, so to speak. I need to weigh up the best use of my time (no pun intended).
Moreover I am continuing to write my novel, just another feather to my cap, and am very pleased with what I have written so far. I go to the conference on getting published next month and am very much looking forward to learning more about the industry. I am serious about doing my best to get my work published one way or another. My story is coming along nicely and so far my imagination has not failed me. This fact alone has given me confidence that this could potentially turn out to be more than a pipe dream. I have very much enjoyed the experience of writing and it has helped me to forge an identity outside of work and something I can take personal satisfaction and pride in. I originally set my self a time frame at Christmas of finishing it before the summer holidays. I believe I could fulfill that target at the rate I am writing. I've managed to write two more chapters this week alone. I hope my inspiration and ability to articulate and express myself will continue coming as smoothly as I have had the fortune of since I began writing just before Christmas.
As you can tell my life is incredibly busy, which I am pleased about as keeping one's self occupied is a good thing. I have been striving to get my life into balance for several months, I want to lead an active and fulfilled life; a healthy life physically, emotionally and spiritually. Theoretically these should follow one after the other as long as I continue to put God first in my life. Nevertheless I want to make the most of my time and body. My life has changed so radically over these last couple of years, and even more acutely these past nine months since my break up; who knows what my life will be like in six months time? I could be a fully fledged body building author! But ultimately however I spend my free time, however I choose to spend my money and time, we are all just killing time until its time to die! Therefore what remains the most important thing in life is walking with our creator God, pursuing His will, for it is infinitely better than our own and growing in a godly and Christlike love and holiness. My personal life ambitions and lifestyle choices may change again in six months time depending on where I stand with God...
Sunday, 7 February 2010
the most pertinent question...'why?'
There are things in life that change you irrevocably. For some people its a tragedy in the family; the death of a loved one; for others it's a particularly nasty break up or divorce, yet for others it could be being made redundant or getting fired...or even not getting the promotion you had been working so hard for only to be left feeling undervalued and unappreciated. Ever since my break up with my ex-fiancee I have been trying to pick up the pieces of my life. Today I was confronted with just how detrimentally it has effected me as a person. I went to a church this morning in Frinton, a church I had been to before but only in the evenings. The service was fine, some familiar and uplifting worship songs were played and the sermon seemed very relevant to where I am currently at in life. Yet despite all these positive qualities I was conflicted throughout. A part of me wanted to get up and leave because I didn't feel comfortable around other Christians, I didn't want to get 'sucked' into 'church' again where sometimes things are just a bit too glib. I realised I had become cynical. My childhood memories and experiences as a young, enthusiastic and zealous Christian, even throughout my university days have been tainted by my break up last year. I scoffed at the memories of my innocent and naive self. I wanted to be a man of God, a minister in His church, to preach every Sunday morning guiding my flock in the ways of God. Naturally these were all noble virtues and life ambitions that no doubt made my family proud.
But, my spiritual life transformed radically during my time with my ex. I was exposed to teachings and a way of doing church I had never known before. I was given promises, reassurances and impartations by my ex, her family or others I came into contact with through her. The direction I thought my life was going in was abruptly stopped after our split. I was left confused and racked with doubts. I now realise I am but a shadow, a shell of my former self. My trust in Christians has been severely damaged. I can still find solitude and peace in my own personal walk with God. But even that has faltered too many times than I care to tell over the past year. Who I thought I was or was going to be when I grew up has changed. The man I could have been, or might yet still be, is a totally different person from who I am now. I am still very confused, and I am sure much to my family's disappointment I do not know whether I ever will be the Christian I once was.
It feels as though my innocence has been stripped away from me. At Christmas, while my friends and I were talking about films, one of my friends jokingly made a flippant remark about an issue I had with Star Wars, as if that was the only problem I've had in life. The comment hurt me because implicit in it was the suggestion I had lived a sheltered life. I had lived a sheltered life. I was raised in a loving, Christian home. Yet despite all that I am grateful for, to my parents for bringing me up to know what love truly is, they could not protect me from the failures of other people; and from those who meant everything to me from breaking my heart. My love was rejected and as good as scorned when my ex left me pursuing her own agenda. Now I am left feeling cursed, lonely and unable to form meaningful relationships with Christians.
More than anything else right now I desire to feel settled in a Church where I am part of the fellowship, my spiritual needs are met and I can befriend people of my own age and peer group. But this 'ideal' church has been pretty elusive in the 9 months since I've been single. My life is still very much in tatters and I have to battle feelings of frustration, impatience, despair and doubt every day because I don't know whether it will ever be repaired. I feel like an outcast, always the one looking in, never being truly apart of it. Even as I type I'm becoming increasingly despondant with the thought that no one may even read this and I could be potentially wasting my time... I do not want to feel anonymous anymore.
But, my spiritual life transformed radically during my time with my ex. I was exposed to teachings and a way of doing church I had never known before. I was given promises, reassurances and impartations by my ex, her family or others I came into contact with through her. The direction I thought my life was going in was abruptly stopped after our split. I was left confused and racked with doubts. I now realise I am but a shadow, a shell of my former self. My trust in Christians has been severely damaged. I can still find solitude and peace in my own personal walk with God. But even that has faltered too many times than I care to tell over the past year. Who I thought I was or was going to be when I grew up has changed. The man I could have been, or might yet still be, is a totally different person from who I am now. I am still very confused, and I am sure much to my family's disappointment I do not know whether I ever will be the Christian I once was.
It feels as though my innocence has been stripped away from me. At Christmas, while my friends and I were talking about films, one of my friends jokingly made a flippant remark about an issue I had with Star Wars, as if that was the only problem I've had in life. The comment hurt me because implicit in it was the suggestion I had lived a sheltered life. I had lived a sheltered life. I was raised in a loving, Christian home. Yet despite all that I am grateful for, to my parents for bringing me up to know what love truly is, they could not protect me from the failures of other people; and from those who meant everything to me from breaking my heart. My love was rejected and as good as scorned when my ex left me pursuing her own agenda. Now I am left feeling cursed, lonely and unable to form meaningful relationships with Christians.
More than anything else right now I desire to feel settled in a Church where I am part of the fellowship, my spiritual needs are met and I can befriend people of my own age and peer group. But this 'ideal' church has been pretty elusive in the 9 months since I've been single. My life is still very much in tatters and I have to battle feelings of frustration, impatience, despair and doubt every day because I don't know whether it will ever be repaired. I feel like an outcast, always the one looking in, never being truly apart of it. Even as I type I'm becoming increasingly despondant with the thought that no one may even read this and I could be potentially wasting my time... I do not want to feel anonymous anymore.
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