The name of my blog comes from the title of a Zao song off of their 'The Fear is What Keeps Us Here' album. Zao are a band with a penchant for writing very poignant songs, which usually have much insight and truth behind their social and spiritual observations. It's a concept that I've been musing on over the last week during the half term break. It has been a much welcomed and needed break, and one I begrudge coming to an end. It seems that I am continuing to juggle many different 'plates' in my life. Later this afternoon I will be forced to prepare for going back to work tomorrow for another six weeks of pressure, stress and potentially disappointment. And so in my continual effort to create a life outside of work, to block out the weariness of commuting into work morning after morning and working late into the evening every night and to escape from a life I in so many respects resent living. That is not to say I am ungrateful, both to the school that has employed me and to God for opening the door. But, and how fitting it should be in a school, whatever lessons God wishes to teach me about life and faith from my experience in the secular world I am slow to learn. The other week, before the half term break, I believed I had received the answer to one of the lessons God was teaching me: to persist in faith. To just carry on believing even when life gets tough. That was indeed an invaluable lesson, one which I am endeavouring to remember and live by every day.
How many more lessons I have left during my time teaching, and indeed how long I will be teaching remain a mystery to me as only God knows the end from the beginning. Conversely I have made a decision just recently in my life that may start to open new doors. Regarding my church dilemma I have decided for the sake of stability to go every Sunday evening to the baptist church in Frinton I have previously visited. I feel very good about this decision insofar as the stability will be good for my spiritual life as well as feeling, judging from the teaching and worship at the church, that it will be a place I can be nurtured and grow as a Christian. It has been a long while since I was a member of a house (or cell) group and I believe my next step should be to try and be pro-active in joining one in my new church. I understand this will require sacrificing time for, but I believe it is important to help know what God may have instore for me in the future.
Speaking of sacrificing time I have also been contemplating joining a gym. Over the last few weeks I have been trying to eat as healthily as possible to lose weight, as well as doing daily exercises to help keep me trim. I have come to the point where, again to try and take back some autonomy in my life from work, I want to change my current lifestyle. I am not 'dieting', my intentions stretch further than merely shedding a few pounds. I want to change my physique and that requires me to change my current lifestyle. I believe it will ultimately mean (if I continue to be serious and committed to this cause) to join a gym to take full advantage of their facilities, in order to reach my goal. I have yet to make this decision but am close to reaching it. Again this will require me to sacrifice more time and I must always put God first in such matters. This principle is paramount and with my busy work schedule I don't want to bite off more than I can chew, so to speak. I need to weigh up the best use of my time (no pun intended).
Moreover I am continuing to write my novel, just another feather to my cap, and am very pleased with what I have written so far. I go to the conference on getting published next month and am very much looking forward to learning more about the industry. I am serious about doing my best to get my work published one way or another. My story is coming along nicely and so far my imagination has not failed me. This fact alone has given me confidence that this could potentially turn out to be more than a pipe dream. I have very much enjoyed the experience of writing and it has helped me to forge an identity outside of work and something I can take personal satisfaction and pride in. I originally set my self a time frame at Christmas of finishing it before the summer holidays. I believe I could fulfill that target at the rate I am writing. I've managed to write two more chapters this week alone. I hope my inspiration and ability to articulate and express myself will continue coming as smoothly as I have had the fortune of since I began writing just before Christmas.
As you can tell my life is incredibly busy, which I am pleased about as keeping one's self occupied is a good thing. I have been striving to get my life into balance for several months, I want to lead an active and fulfilled life; a healthy life physically, emotionally and spiritually. Theoretically these should follow one after the other as long as I continue to put God first in my life. Nevertheless I want to make the most of my time and body. My life has changed so radically over these last couple of years, and even more acutely these past nine months since my break up; who knows what my life will be like in six months time? I could be a fully fledged body building author! But ultimately however I spend my free time, however I choose to spend my money and time, we are all just killing time until its time to die! Therefore what remains the most important thing in life is walking with our creator God, pursuing His will, for it is infinitely better than our own and growing in a godly and Christlike love and holiness. My personal life ambitions and lifestyle choices may change again in six months time depending on where I stand with God...
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