There are things in life that change you irrevocably. For some people its a tragedy in the family; the death of a loved one; for others it's a particularly nasty break up or divorce, yet for others it could be being made redundant or getting fired...or even not getting the promotion you had been working so hard for only to be left feeling undervalued and unappreciated. Ever since my break up with my ex-fiancee I have been trying to pick up the pieces of my life. Today I was confronted with just how detrimentally it has effected me as a person. I went to a church this morning in Frinton, a church I had been to before but only in the evenings. The service was fine, some familiar and uplifting worship songs were played and the sermon seemed very relevant to where I am currently at in life. Yet despite all these positive qualities I was conflicted throughout. A part of me wanted to get up and leave because I didn't feel comfortable around other Christians, I didn't want to get 'sucked' into 'church' again where sometimes things are just a bit too glib. I realised I had become cynical. My childhood memories and experiences as a young, enthusiastic and zealous Christian, even throughout my university days have been tainted by my break up last year. I scoffed at the memories of my innocent and naive self. I wanted to be a man of God, a minister in His church, to preach every Sunday morning guiding my flock in the ways of God. Naturally these were all noble virtues and life ambitions that no doubt made my family proud.
But, my spiritual life transformed radically during my time with my ex. I was exposed to teachings and a way of doing church I had never known before. I was given promises, reassurances and impartations by my ex, her family or others I came into contact with through her. The direction I thought my life was going in was abruptly stopped after our split. I was left confused and racked with doubts. I now realise I am but a shadow, a shell of my former self. My trust in Christians has been severely damaged. I can still find solitude and peace in my own personal walk with God. But even that has faltered too many times than I care to tell over the past year. Who I thought I was or was going to be when I grew up has changed. The man I could have been, or might yet still be, is a totally different person from who I am now. I am still very confused, and I am sure much to my family's disappointment I do not know whether I ever will be the Christian I once was.
It feels as though my innocence has been stripped away from me. At Christmas, while my friends and I were talking about films, one of my friends jokingly made a flippant remark about an issue I had with Star Wars, as if that was the only problem I've had in life. The comment hurt me because implicit in it was the suggestion I had lived a sheltered life. I had lived a sheltered life. I was raised in a loving, Christian home. Yet despite all that I am grateful for, to my parents for bringing me up to know what love truly is, they could not protect me from the failures of other people; and from those who meant everything to me from breaking my heart. My love was rejected and as good as scorned when my ex left me pursuing her own agenda. Now I am left feeling cursed, lonely and unable to form meaningful relationships with Christians.
More than anything else right now I desire to feel settled in a Church where I am part of the fellowship, my spiritual needs are met and I can befriend people of my own age and peer group. But this 'ideal' church has been pretty elusive in the 9 months since I've been single. My life is still very much in tatters and I have to battle feelings of frustration, impatience, despair and doubt every day because I don't know whether it will ever be repaired. I feel like an outcast, always the one looking in, never being truly apart of it. Even as I type I'm becoming increasingly despondant with the thought that no one may even read this and I could be potentially wasting my time... I do not want to feel anonymous anymore.
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