August Winterman

So I have returned from another Kidderminster and have returned with a heavy heart. Maybe I'm not very good at taking compliments, maybe I'm a self-deprecating kind of person... I'm not sure? If God truly is using me then that is awesome; not for my own sense of satisfaction or to boost my ego but because God is reaching out to people and helping them. However, I felt a terrible sense of loneliness. This loneliness cannot be fulfilled by a quick and simple hug. This loneliness cannot be sated through a week spent with friends. This loneliness is the longing for companionship: spiritual, emotional and physical companionship. In short, I'm searching for my soul-mate.

I'm beginning to think that leadership is an incredibly lonely vocation. As a youth leader you spend alot of time with teenagers. Teenagers can frequently try your patience; they can also truly inspire you and even surprise you with what they are capable of. I have seen all these facets to youth this week but at the end of the day, while rewarding can leave you feeling isolated. They say to give is better than to receive and while that is true in so many respects a life spent serving others can be incredibly wearisome when lived alone.

God did not fail this year and I have been humbled by the undeniable answer to prayer. God moved powerfully and faithfully throughout the week, from beginning to end. We prayed earnestly for spiritual protection and God ensured that spiritual attacks held no sway over the Kingdom and Gospel work undertaken. Young people whose lives have been extraordinarily hard experienced God's love in very real ways; teenagers who felt jaded and doubtful about Christianity were given grace afresh and were strengthened through the Holy Spirit. On Thursday evening we had a time of open testimony where the teenagers could share what was on their hearts and their collective and personal experiences. There were many testimonies given as they poured out their souls and gave glory to God for the breakthroughs in their lives as well as given encouragement by the leaders. Whether the 'Kidderminster bubble' is illusory or not, God does move in that place; not because of the place itself but for the open and contrite hearts that meet there.

I am thankful to God for His faithfulness and have learnt much about praying in faith and expecting God to answer. God desires for us to engage in prayer for He is a God who glorifies Himself in service of His Church. God is not a god who insists on being served slavishly without any reward or answer to prayers. No, God is an Almighty and loving God who is jealous for His holy name. Yet, as my eyes are lifted gratefully to the sky and my mind searches the wonder of Heaven, my heart is troubled. I don't think I can live this life alone; I don't believe I can continue serving God for the rest of my life as a bachalor. Frustratingly my self-esteem has been damaged by my past heart-break as well as a deep hurt and anger that causes me to withdraw from people in self-sabotaging introversion. Prayer is my only hope in finding my soul-mate because I believe in and serve a God who answers prayer - the proof of which I have seen with my own eyes this week.