killing time 'till its time to die

The name of my blog comes from the title of a Zao song off of their 'The Fear is What Keeps Us Here' album. Zao are a band with a penchant for writing very poignant songs, which usually have much insight and truth behind their social and spiritual observations. It's a concept that I've been musing on over the last week during the half term break. It has been a much welcomed and needed break, and one I begrudge coming to an end. It seems that I am continuing to juggle many different 'plates' in my life. Later this afternoon I will be forced to prepare for going back to work tomorrow for another six weeks of pressure, stress and potentially disappointment. And so in my continual effort to create a life outside of work, to block out the weariness of commuting into work morning after morning and working late into the evening every night and to escape from a life I in so many respects resent living. That is not to say I am ungrateful, both to the school that has employed me and to God for opening the door. But, and how fitting it should be in a school, whatever lessons God wishes to teach me about life and faith from my experience in the secular world I am slow to learn. The other week, before the half term break, I believed I had received the answer to one of the lessons God was teaching me: to persist in faith. To just carry on believing even when life gets tough. That was indeed an invaluable lesson, one which I am endeavouring to remember and live by every day.

How many more lessons I have left during my time teaching, and indeed how long I will be teaching remain a mystery to me as only God knows the end from the beginning. Conversely I have made a decision just recently in my life that may start to open new doors. Regarding my church dilemma I have decided for the sake of stability to go every Sunday evening to the baptist church in Frinton I have previously visited. I feel very good about this decision insofar as the stability will be good for my spiritual life as well as feeling, judging from the teaching and worship at the church, that it will be a place I can be nurtured and grow as a Christian. It has been a long while since I was a member of a house (or cell) group and I believe my next step should be to try and be pro-active in joining one in my new church. I understand this will require sacrificing time for, but I believe it is important to help know what God may have instore for me in the future.

Speaking of sacrificing time I have also been contemplating joining a gym. Over the last few weeks I have been trying to eat as healthily as possible to lose weight, as well as doing daily exercises to help keep me trim. I have come to the point where, again to try and take back some autonomy in my life from work, I want to change my current lifestyle. I am not 'dieting', my intentions stretch further than merely shedding a few pounds. I want to change my physique and that requires me to change my current lifestyle. I believe it will ultimately mean (if I continue to be serious and committed to this cause) to join a gym to take full advantage of their facilities, in order to reach my goal. I have yet to make this decision but am close to reaching it. Again this will require me to sacrifice more time and I must always put God first in such matters. This principle is paramount and with my busy work schedule I don't want to bite off more than I can chew, so to speak. I need to weigh up the best use of my time (no pun intended).

Moreover I am continuing to write my novel, just another feather to my cap, and am very pleased with what I have written so far. I go to the conference on getting published next month and am very much looking forward to learning more about the industry. I am serious about doing my best to get my work published one way or another. My story is coming along nicely and so far my imagination has not failed me. This fact alone has given me confidence that this could potentially turn out to be more than a pipe dream. I have very much enjoyed the experience of writing and it has helped me to forge an identity outside of work and something I can take personal satisfaction and pride in. I originally set my self a time frame at Christmas of finishing it before the summer holidays. I believe I could fulfill that target at the rate I am writing. I've managed to write two more chapters this week alone. I hope my inspiration and ability to articulate and express myself will continue coming as smoothly as I have had the fortune of since I began writing just before Christmas.

As you can tell my life is incredibly busy, which I am pleased about as keeping one's self occupied is a good thing. I have been striving to get my life into balance for several months, I want to lead an active and fulfilled life; a healthy life physically, emotionally and spiritually. Theoretically these should follow one after the other as long as I continue to put God first in my life. Nevertheless I want to make the most of my time and body. My life has changed so radically over these last couple of years, and even more acutely these past nine months since my break up; who knows what my life will be like in six months time? I could be a fully fledged body building author! But ultimately however I spend my free time, however I choose to spend my money and time, we are all just killing time until its time to die! Therefore what remains the most important thing in life is walking with our creator God, pursuing His will, for it is infinitely better than our own and growing in a godly and Christlike love and holiness. My personal life ambitions and lifestyle choices may change again in six months time depending on where I stand with God...

the most pertinent question...'why?'

There are things in life that change you irrevocably. For some people its a tragedy in the family; the death of a loved one; for others it's a particularly nasty break up or divorce, yet for others it could be being made redundant or getting fired...or even not getting the promotion you had been working so hard for only to be left feeling undervalued and unappreciated. Ever since my break up with my ex-fiancee I have been trying to pick up the pieces of my life. Today I was confronted with just how detrimentally it has effected me as a person. I went to a church this morning in Frinton, a church I had been to before but only in the evenings. The service was fine, some familiar and uplifting worship songs were played and the sermon seemed very relevant to where I am currently at in life. Yet despite all these positive qualities I was conflicted throughout. A part of me wanted to get up and leave because I didn't feel comfortable around other Christians, I didn't want to get 'sucked' into 'church' again where sometimes things are just a bit too glib. I realised I had become cynical. My childhood memories and experiences as a young, enthusiastic and zealous Christian, even throughout my university days have been tainted by my break up last year. I scoffed at the memories of my innocent and naive self. I wanted to be a man of God, a minister in His church, to preach every Sunday morning guiding my flock in the ways of God. Naturally these were all noble virtues and life ambitions that no doubt made my family proud.

But, my spiritual life transformed radically during my time with my ex. I was exposed to teachings and a way of doing church I had never known before. I was given promises, reassurances and impartations by my ex, her family or others I came into contact with through her. The direction I thought my life was going in was abruptly stopped after our split. I was left confused and racked with doubts. I now realise I am but a shadow, a shell of my former self. My trust in Christians has been severely damaged. I can still find solitude and peace in my own personal walk with God. But even that has faltered too many times than I care to tell over the past year. Who I thought I was or was going to be when I grew up has changed. The man I could have been, or might yet still be, is a totally different person from who I am now. I am still very confused, and I am sure much to my family's disappointment I do not know whether I ever will be the Christian I once was.

It feels as though my innocence has been stripped away from me. At Christmas, while my friends and I were talking about films, one of my friends jokingly made a flippant remark about an issue I had with Star Wars, as if that was the only problem I've had in life. The comment hurt me because implicit in it was the suggestion I had lived a sheltered life. I had lived a sheltered life. I was raised in a loving, Christian home. Yet despite all that I am grateful for, to my parents for bringing me up to know what love truly is, they could not protect me from the failures of other people; and from those who meant everything to me from breaking my heart. My love was rejected and as good as scorned when my ex left me pursuing her own agenda. Now I am left feeling cursed, lonely and unable to form meaningful relationships with Christians.

More than anything else right now I desire to feel settled in a Church where I am part of the fellowship, my spiritual needs are met and I can befriend people of my own age and peer group. But this 'ideal' church has been pretty elusive in the 9 months since I've been single. My life is still very much in tatters and I have to battle feelings of frustration, impatience, despair and doubt every day because I don't know whether it will ever be repaired. I feel like an outcast, always the one looking in, never being truly apart of it. Even as I type I'm becoming increasingly despondant with the thought that no one may even read this and I could be potentially wasting my time... I do not want to feel anonymous anymore.