So here I am, on Christmas eve 2010, waiting for the inevitable. I want to share something very precious, something close to my heart - I want to share what has been going on in my journey with God. This time of year always throws up many conflicting emotions and feelings: you have the spirituality of the Gospel message of Hope conflicting with the plastic artificiality of the materialistic impulses of what has come to define much of the secular side of Christmas. I'm not against spending at Christmas, nor am I against buying presents that say something of our affection, love and gratitude towards our friends and loved ones. Nevertheless as I get older, and the 'magic' of Christmas begins to wear thin, I cannot help but feel in some way uninspired by the emphasis upon materialistic consumption at this time of year. When I was a child I would know what I wanted for Christmas and ask, expecting to receive exactly what I'd asked for oblivious of cost or sacrifice on my parents' part. As I reflect I am reminded what the Bible teaches from 1 Corinthians:
"When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me." 1 Corinthians 13:11
As an adult I have a far greater appreciation for the financial sacrifice that my parents must have made to accomodate my Christmas list. Like many parents I was allowed to believe as a child that Father Christmas, or Santa Claus, was the kindly and munificent person who would provide me with my materialistic desires. I believe that whilst the pseudonym of Santa Claus is in itself an act of gracious love that does not seek its own ego; unfortunately it does nevertheless fuel a selfishness in children that detaches the receiving of presents from a genuine gratitude towards those from whom they are bought. And thus as an adult my attention at Christmas is drawn away from a materialistic perspective towards one of faith.
But it is not the subject of faith at Christmas that I want to address. It is, more personally to my life at present, my own walk with God. This Christmas I have been challenged with deep rooted bitterness. Bitterness towards those who have hurt me deeply in the past. Those to whom I have allowed in years gone by to place a dark cloud over my thoughts and feelings at Christmas time. One such person, and the foremost person of my resentment, was my ex. Having believed I had forgiven her for the hurt she caused me, I assumed the matter dealt with. But after searching my heart I realised I had not let that hurt go. I had clung on to the hurt as a kind of excuse for the bitterness I still felt towards her. Convicted of such ungodly emotions as sin I began to pray, not only for my forgiveness but for her wellbeing. For the past couple of weeks I have been actively praying for those people who I have perceived to have wronged me. I have been praying for their happiness, wellbeing, faith and for peace. As I prayed, selflessly for these people I truly felt a sense of God's peace rest with me. I felt a release; a freedom and a joy in my spirit. I knew that I had grown closer to the true heart of God.
For God is a God of grace as well as judgement. A God of love as well as wrath. And ultimately a God who deserves to be worshipped and praised for who He is; not for what he can do for us but for who He is. God is not some sort of cosmic Santa Claus with whom we bring our spiritual Christmas list too and expect to receive everything we ask for. God sent his Son into the world because He so loved the world! (John 3:16) God first loved us. He taught us the meaning of love, the meaning of forgiveness and the meaning of grace.
"Anyone who claims to live in the light but hates his own brother is still in the darkness." 1 John 2:9
God showed me grace by forgiving my sin through the way of atonement by the death of Jesus Christ. Not only is God the creator of all life, He is also the author of salvation. We have done nothing of ourselves to deserve His divine forgiveness and grace. This is the God whom deserves to be worshipped, deserves to be followed and above all deserves our love. By examining my own heart, in accordance with Scripture I knew I was far from the true essence of God. I may still be single, but I am now much closer to the heart of God. This is a realisation that is beautiful and a transformation that is astonishing.
Merry Christmas one and all :-)
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